haha no worries, I totally get it.

I guess I don't really feel like I'm actually making a lot of decisions. And when I do, there are inexplicable coincidences that make me feel like I wouldn't have a choice in the first place.

Imagine you have a favourite cafe you go to every day. Today, you decide to get a pancake, so that's the choice you make.
Except when you arrive, turns out today they're out of stock on everything! Except pancakes. They have a lot of those. Very lucky for you! You can get what you wanted! Except your earlier choice doesn't feel like a choice anymore, since you'd have gotten pancakes either way.

Some important aspects of my life feel like this example.

I care mostly because I'm anxious about my future, I think. I want my choices to lead me to a place I'll be happy in. But it often feels like I'm drifting at sea, unable to fight the current. Who knows where it'll throw me.

That was a lot of words but your reply gave me something to think about, so thanks :) I'll think some more