i wonder if anyone would benefit from me dumping my uni's e-library. maybe upload it to anna's archive? it's the annoying subscription kind of e-library that doesn't allow downloads so i wanna parse and dump it just out of spite.
uni is forcing us to go through a whole fucking week of team building bullshit im so tiiiirred. just let me sit in a room with an old fart behind a counter telling me shit to write down i don't wanna play literal daycare games with my group ;-;
im gonna be honest , i hate summer because i dont have anything to do during it . i graduated and ive been trying to find a job , fruitless . i spent three months bedrotting , going out sometimes , playing on my computer and thats all . because i have nowhere to attend to like college anymore , i do absolutely nothing all day and i can nearly feel my flesh rotting . i woke up at 5pm today , purely because i woke up and thought "eh i dont have anywhere im supposed to go to today" , flopped back on my bed and kept sleeping . but i hate this lifestyle so bad . i seriously dont get people who *love* living like this . its only fun for like a couple weeks , then you start feeling like garbage that does nothing important to the society and you start hating yourself little by little . i feel like that one frame with gamer chud guy from south park . and id be glad to have something to do but i finished college and nobody wants to hire me . f#!k this .
it hurts so much to realize how deeply this shame people have conditioned me to feel, if i as much as think of being a girl is engrained into me. it's like a shock collar that fires any time i use she for myself or actually apply any femenine social norms to myself. i can't as much as say "i am a girl" out loud without drowning in shame and disgust with myself and it hurts so much. why is it so hard to prove even to myself that i am i girl. it feels like i don't deserve it. ;-; #🏳️⚧️