I wasn't a gifted kid. I was autistic as fuck, and skipping me ahead two years was quite possibly the worst thing that could have been done for my development. Dad, you kept telling me I was super intelligent, and kept pushing me to try to get into MIT while we lived in Australia, and I struggled with basic social interaction every day of my existence. Mum, you were the educator who studied gifted and talented students and thought this should be applied to me. I get that it was different in the 90s, but Jesus Christ this focus on academia has basically set me up for failure as an adult. I even did actual university study while I was still in high school because I thought I was supposed to achieve. Starting university at age 16 was an insane undertaking, and it's no surprise I never completed a single degree during my time at university (I tried 3 different degrees before the age of 18).
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As someone who is struggling with a late life autism diagnosis, I find it really hard to not encourage the world to actively work on breeding this devastating condition out of humanity. I know people say diversity is the spice of life, but no-one deserves this level of spice. Every waking moment is incredibly fucking difficult, I feel myself being cognitively torn apart and don't wish this upon anyone.
Gonna post something positive for a change.
My goodness, Final Fantasy VII Remake has been a downright joy to play. I was initially put off by the gameplay changes, but I’ve come around to it and love all the combat. I’m enthralled with the world building and extra depth it’s offered… it feels like I’m playing a brand new game, not just a remaster.
My goodness, Final Fantasy VII Remake has been a downright joy to play. I was initially put off by the gameplay changes, but I’ve come around to it and love all the combat. I’m enthralled with the world building and extra depth it’s offered… it feels like I’m playing a brand new game, not just a remaster.
(1/3) When I drink, I can always be more authentically me, and care less about not having a mask up, but I regret it every single time. I’m used to suppressing, but it seems that when I drink and unmask, I drive people away.
I had friends over tonight, and so did my housemate. My friends were mutual, but my housemate’s friend was new to me.
When my first close friend left, and when my housemate’s friend decided to leave, it felt like it was because I got too comfortable, unmasked, and became too much. I’m still not sure my housemate isn’t super disappointed either.
We had drinks, and I hadn’t eaten since yesterday. Still haven’t. There’s something to be said about dopamine fuelled clarity when you’re running on ketones and alcohol (ND brains get it).
It’s one of those times it feels truly authentic. Modus operandi is broken and hopeless at this point and expects the worst to happen in every situation as a result of lived experience.
I had friends over tonight, and so did my housemate. My friends were mutual, but my housemate’s friend was new to me.
When my first close friend left, and when my housemate’s friend decided to leave, it felt like it was because I got too comfortable, unmasked, and became too much. I’m still not sure my housemate isn’t super disappointed either.
We had drinks, and I hadn’t eaten since yesterday. Still haven’t. There’s something to be said about dopamine fuelled clarity when you’re running on ketones and alcohol (ND brains get it).
It’s one of those times it feels truly authentic. Modus operandi is broken and hopeless at this point and expects the worst to happen in every situation as a result of lived experience.
This is the only place I feel able to actually type what I’m feeling. If only I could say this stuff to friends and family that care about me. I expect everyone is going to abandon me at the drop of a hat because it has happened so many times. At least I’m getting it out somewhere, but I’m not sure this is where I should be doing it.
I feel like such a fucking social retard. Surrounded by people I know and care for, yet can’t actually engage them meaningfully without feeling awkward as shit and aborting the conversation as soon as possible.
I’m so over this inability to connect with my fellow human beings. Why is it this hard?
I’m so over this inability to connect with my fellow human beings. Why is it this hard?
I keep waking up, and I keep coping with it. I’ve surrounded myself with musical equipment to try to capture a feeling moment of beauty, but have no creative spark. I’m disconnected from my fellow human beings with no visible path leading me towards some communion. I’m just counting down the hours until I don’t wake up anymore…
But I keep waking up.
But I keep waking up.