I just fundamentally fear doctors/have an in-built "tank everything on your own" thing due to childhood shit (I've successfully walked off chemical burns, what was probably a seizure, and a broken thumb without medical treatment lol), and it's 10x worse when it comes to going to a therapist because of that and a lot of cultural/familial factors. I also can't tell if I'm feeling a little mentally slow still due to life stresses (my family members tried to go back to an active warzone in the country we're originally from for a holiday and a bunch of other shenanigans happened) or if the bus nay have fucked uo my intelligence permanently which woukd be bad given it's the only thing people irl give a shit about and that guarantees people don't hurt me lol